SICK AND TWISTED SCUMBAGS, Jonathan Ross and Russel Brand today faced calls 'to be put to death' after their depraved and obscene antics shocked a world already reeling from the credit crunch, global warming, and massive third world poverty.
In a move already described as 'fair and reasonable' a UK paper today launched a fatwa against the men, declaring that 'The BBC has funded scallywags like this for too long.' It offered a reward of 'one night with Andrew Sachs' Daughter' and a years subscription to Hate Weekly for anyone that could bring them the head of either of the TV stars - Dead or Alive.
These actions have really shocked us all, a concerned mother from Surrey told us. "I've been forced to hack off my children's ears with a carving knife, just so they can't hear these vile pornographic claims." She then broke down into tears, sobbing, "I just want to protect them."
Meanwhile, several outbreaks of cancer have been reported in suburban towns across the land, and according to a medical expert interviewed in a UK paper today, "this is almost certainly because of Brand and Ross." Molly Coddle, head of action group "People Against Ross and Russell,' demanded the BBC refund their licence fees, and their private medical bills.
Meanwhile the FTSE100 fell 'really far' as the shockwaves of Ross and Brand's mutilation of public decency reverberated round the world. Businessmen in Japan were seen staring glumly into their sushi, as shares they had previously thought "almost worthless" becamse "worthless."
Ross and Brand were unavailable for comment, though they are belived to be "still rich" and "not that bothered."
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
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